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Erm........ well here goes.....

While your here you might aswell look at my pics
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MY TOP 10 TUNES OF ALL TIME (in no particular order)

1, RANK 1 - AIRWAVE
2, GOURYELLA - GOURYELLA
3, ULTRABEAT V SCOTT BROWN - ELYSIUM (I GO CRAZY)
4, ULTRABEAT - PRETTY GREEN EYES
5, INTERACTIVE - FOREVER YOUNG
6, DARREN STYLES - SAVE ME
7, MOTIV8 - ROCKIN FOR MYSELF
8, CAPPELLA - U GOT 2 KNOW
9, AIRBASE - GENIE
10, SAFRI DUO - PLAYED A-LIVE (BONGO SONG)


TIM VINE CLASSICS

I met a Dutch girl the other day with inflatable shoes, phoned her up to arrange a date, but she’d popped her clogs!!

Two Eskimo’s sitting in a kayak were feeling the cold, so they lit a small fire in the craft, causing it to sink. Just proves you can’t have your kayak and heat it!

So I said “Do you want a game of darts?” he said “OK then”, I said “Nearest to the bull starts”, he said “Baa”, I said “Moo”, he said “You’re closest!

You see, I’m against hunting, in fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the Fox!

The other day, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rung her up and I said “Did you get my drift?”

So I went down to the local supermarket, I said “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it” he said, “Those are pickled onions!”

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one’

Two fish in a tank, one says “How the hell do you drive this”

So I said to my gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” She said “How flexible are you?” I said, “well I can’t make Tuesdays”.

I’m in a great mood today, I won a years supply of Marmite. (One jar).

I rang up BT to report a nuisance caller, they said “Not you again!”

A jump lead walks into a bar, the barman says “Look I’ll serve you, but don’t start owt”

A dyslexic man walked into a bra

A sandwich walks into a bar, the barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food”

A seal walks into a club……………(ouch)

I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt with “GUESS” on the front, I said “I dunno, thyroid problem”

I’ve always wanted to drown my troubles but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

I went into a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the renaissance period.

My dad always used to say “Son, fight fire with fire” which is why he probably got thrown out the fire brigade!

I saw 6 men kicking and punching my mother in law, she said “Aren’t you going to help?”, I said “No, 6 should be enough”

Posers

Vegetarians. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer

Why does mineral water that has trickled through the mountains for centuries have to be consumed by a ‘use by’ date?

Is French kissing, just called kissing in France?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say “I think I’ll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out”

What do people in china call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they need the toilet?

What do you call male ballerinas?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Why do triangular sandwiches taste better than oblong ones?

Final thoughts…

Reading when you’re drunk is horrible

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really tough

It’s impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat

You never know where to look when eating a banana

Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always produce a bouncy ball

You always feel scared of stroking horses.

The smaller the monkey, the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

Every bloke at some stage in his life, has been in the toilet when it has started to flush, then tried to race against the flush.

Old people on mobile phones just look wrong.

Driving through a tunnel gets you exited.

You cannot respect anyone who carries a dog.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anyone who has had their arm broken by a swan.

You have turned into your dad, the day you specifically select a thin piece of wood to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle that tried to steal his or her nose.

On every plate of chips, there’s a bad chip.

Finally, there’s no panic, like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your head, hand or foot stuck in something.


Daz X