Ladies and Gentlemen, Observe...Nein Rules

Okay, so it's not really 9 rules, but the Grammar Nazi in me has arrived full force. If you don't like these kinds of rants, then feel free to fuck off now. I'm an unabashed grammar and spelling bitch. You have been warned.

The Differences Between "To/Too/Two"

1. To: I am going to the store.

  Would you like to come with me?

  There is going to be a movie later.

  How would you like to be the star of our new show?

2. Too: I am going to the store too.

    Would you like to come with me too?

    There is going to be a movie later, too.

    How would you like to be the star of our new show too?

3. Two: I am going to two stores later.

     Do you like the two stores?

     There are two movies later.

     How would you like it if there were two stars of our new show?

The Difference Between "Then/Than"

1. Then: I am going to the store then.

      Would you like to go to the store then?

      There is a movie then.

      How would you like to be the star of our new show then?

2. Than: I am going to that store rather than the other store.

      Would you like to go to that store more than that store?

      I would prefer to see that movie more than that movie.

      We would love for you to be the star of our new show, rather than her.

The Difference Between "Their/They're/There"

1. Their: This is their chair.

       I am their friend.

       We are going to their party.

       You are their chld.

2. They're: They're sitting in that chair.

          They're my friends.

          They're throwing this party.

          They're your parents.

3. There: That chair is over there.

        My friends are over there.

The party is right there.

Your parents had sex and made you right there.

The Difference Between "New/Knew"

1. New: You smell brand new.

     This car is new.

     Your vagina seems almost new.

     I bought a new cat.

2. Knew: I knew you needed a shower.

      I knew you stole this car.

      We both knew you weren't a virgin.

      Your cat knew I shit in its litter box.

The Difference Between "Your/You're"

1. Your: Your ass is super sexy, Lana.

      I know how your mind works, Natty.

      This was all your idea.

      I can't believe your house burned down.

2. You're: You're an idiot, Marcus.

You're just jealous of my ass, Kirsty.

It's okay, because you're just a slag.

You're going to make mad money off the arson money from your house.

If you are writing a plural noun:

1. If the word ends in a Y, please drop the Y and add an IES.

2. Please do not put an apostrophe between the last letter and the S, (ie boy's). You are not making that noun possessive; you are only making it plural.

When you are answering the phone, or under any other circumstances writing or speaking a sentence that sounds or ends as such:

"Hello, may I speak to Lana?"

"This is her."

That is wrong. You sound illiterate and stupid. The correct way to answer that, would actually be:

"This is she." 

Because as you end that sentence, you would follow it through with:

"She is speaking." 

NOT

"Her is speaking."

That sounds fucking retarded.

Also, please do not end your sentences in a preposition when questioning me and raving at me like a lunatic. For example:

"Where were you at?"

The "at" is nonsensical, and does not need to be there. It makes you seem uneducated. "

"Where were you?" will suffice.

Thank you.